Date #6: Lionel Hutz (if you don’t get the name, you have really missed out on a staple of great American TV)

Alright, I know it has been a while and I’m sure you all worried that I had become so jaded that I had locked myself in a basement and accepted the fact that I face a lifetime of boring dates and bad sex. Well fear not friends, part of my absence was due to being busy and part of it due to making an unfortunate 4-month dating decision. But everything is back to “normal.” Before I became overwhelmingly busy and engaged in the aforementioned dating misfortune I accidentally went out with a lawyer. Three times. It was kind of like when I signed up for an international law class—I sort of knew I’d end up hating it but thought “maybe….just maybe…it will be interesting.” Then after I hated the first class, I thought “should I drop this class? Nah I’ll go to it a few more times. Maybe it will get better.” Well the class never got better and neither did the lawyer.

There were so many absurdities in the 3 times that I saw Lionel that I’m having trouble choosing a few. His physical appearance was rather non-descript although I will make one important point. Hair cuts people!! They don’t hurt. I know that some guys think regular haircuts are unnecessary and if you are one of those guys, ask yourself… “when was the last time I got laid?” It’s the truth, I promise.

Anyways, first date—nothing special although he does not pay for drinks. Umm yeah… which one of us has a job? Not impressed.

Second date—he says “wanna just watch a movie at your place?” Nice try retard. I hope you’re smoother than that in court.

Third date—I’m feeling bored and have also decided that there is really no future for us but maybe he’d be good for uh….something. So I tell him to bring over a movie and something to help me to drink him cuter and less douchy. Clearly, he was unaware of a few things: 1) common standards of politeness and manners, 2) how much I drink, and most importantly 3) how much alcohol it would take for me to drink until he was less douchy. Homeboy shows up with a bottle of Grey Goose…..that only has 2 shots of vodka left in it!!! He said, “what are we drinking?” I said, “WE are not drinking anything. I am having a cocktail because there is only enough for one.”


Once again, the Simpsons provides valuable life lessons that once again, I blatantly ignored.

Bart: Mr. Hutz when I grow up I want to be a lawyer just like you.
Hutz: Good for you, son. If there's one thing America needs, it's more lawyers. Can you imagine a world without lawyers?

Yeah I can imagine that world. Its glorious.