The Experiment

Online. Dating.

I’ve decided to perform an experiment on one of my own personal social theories. The theory being that in some terrible and unfair trick of nature, the world was populated with 1% normal men and roughly 99% morons. How is this possible? So many lovely ladies….. so few men worth the air that they breath. At the urging of a few friends, I’ve decided to share this experiment. My reasons for doing so include:

1) Saving time by reporting back to all friends at once;

2) Finding an outlet for my increasingly unbearable frustrations;

3) Potentially discovering a pattern in my dating failures that could provide valuable future insight;

4) Or just amusing myself and others at the expense of the morons.

To achieve the largest dating pool, I have resorted to online dating. Otherwise I would have to perform the experiment at the law school and it has already been determined that the male population at Duke Law School is 100% morons. My dating site of choice: Plenty of Fish. It’s free. Among the first 5 things listed on each persons profile are name, location, age, do you do drugs, and do you have a car… Just in case I’m looking for someone who is capable of doing drugs while driving.

In order to get a truly representative sample of men, I’ve lowered my first date standards considerably. Requirements and deal-breakers for first dates:

1) Subject need not be breathtakingly gorgeous to secure first date. However, If I throw up in my mouth a little bit every time I look at him…. That could be problematic.

2) Subject must at least have college education or currently be attending. Sorry boys, we live in NC. You can get a college degree here by spelling your own name correctly.

3) Subject must be employed. I’ll pay for my own drinks on a first date but you have to pay for yours.

4) Kids are negotiable. I don’t like them (aside from my lovely nieces of course). I don’t want them. But they are better than cats so Ill take them if I have to.

5) Height. Guys, its not a deal breaker. BUT, I am 5’6” and more in the range of 5’9” with shoes on. If you SAY you are 6’0” when you are really 5’5”, I’m gonna know! Not only will I be turned off by your lack of confidence but I will have inevitably chosen the wrong shoes to wear on a first date. Don’t be an asshat, just tell the truth.

6) ABSOLUTELY NO SOUTHERN BAPTISTS. Yes I judge you for being religious. I’m sorry but I just do. Since most people are too dumb to make decisions for themselves and identify with some religion because that’s what their parents told them they were, I’ll let some churchies slide. But not Southern Baptists (thus also ruling out the entire city of Greensboro, NC) Its unfortunate but true. Besides, in the end I’ll be too much for you anyways and we will both end up in hell.

Those are the basics. Although I do have a few more important thing to note. And boys, listen up. Its not just me who thinks these things. I represent a large group of women here. I don’t like abbreviations or misspellings in your profile:

“I enjoy goin 2 da beach and chillin wit ma homies. Im lookin for a lady 2 be real wit who aint got no drama. “

No.

I don’t like hearing about your insecurities or your animosity towards women:

“I hate the pictures I posted. I look fat in them” (no really this is a quote from his profile)

“Don’t contact me if you’re like most women and play games. I hate women who have drama.” Etc, etc. etc.

No. Really guys. It just sounds stupid.

As far as my profile. Its been approved by female and male friends. And, well I’m awesome so there you have it.

Next step. First dates.