Date #2: Too $hort

Too $hort suffered from a short guy complex. I don’t want to be misunderstood though; I don’t discriminate based on height. BUT there are different kinds of “short,” each with it’s own implications. There is sexy short. Sexy short guy unfortunately stopped growing a few years early but carries it well. He maintains confidence and doesn’t see his height as an impediment to a fully satisfying dating life. Next, you have short yet functional. Short yet functional guy has cultivated some other interesting characteristic that overrides his shortness. This guy is generally 5’4” or less (because its hard to be sexy when it looks like you suffer from dwarfism). For those that know me well, a certain tiny dancer with readily available pills fell into this category. On the other side of the spectrum is short guy with a complex, and the closely related short guy who compensates in inappropriate ways.

Too $hort fell into the last 2 categories yet, his height was the least of his problems. I should’ve known after the first 30 minutes. But I always like to wait until a situation is fully awkward before I back out.

We met at a brewery for some drinks and pool. He’s about a 5.8. Not too bad, not to great …better after a few beers. His biggest problem is that he compensates for his height by working out excessively. He looks like a big built guy who was originally 6 feet tall but was compressed into a 5’5” package. On that note, I know exactly what the “package” looks like because at some point he sent me unsolicited naked pictures. That is wierd right?

So we have a few beers and head over to shoot some pool. I like to shoot pool and I’m very competitive. So it naturally follows that I like to win. But that being said, I find it a little pussy if a man cannot even hit the cue ball into ANY other ball on the table. It’s just not right. I’m not a pool shark by any means… but really…you can’t hit anything??

While I was pondering my next shot, he distracts me and this exchange occurs:

Him: “Hey Steph, so I’m sure you’ve noticed that I’m a lot shorter than
you,um especially with your shoes on.”
Me: “Uh yeah, I’m aware of that.”
Him: “Is that a deal breaker for you?”
Me: “Well…[thoughtful pause] exactly how tall are you?”
Him: “I don’t know, I guess 5’5” or 5’6”
Me: “Well which one is it? 5’5” or 5’6”?” (Who doesn’t know how tall they
are? And if you didn’t want to tell me then why start this really awkward
conversation?)
Him: [stands there looking real sad]
Me: “I really don’t care. Can I take my shot now?”

It seemed like an unnecessary way to 1) put me on the spot and 2) highlight your insecurities on a first date. But it was just the beginning of many weird exchanges between Too $hort and I. Just to list a few:

--“Stephanie, you’re so hot. You never talk about how cute you think I am.
Don’t you think I’m cute?”
(Yeah, insecurities are really hot)
--“Can I please spend the night?”
(sure, sure, for the bargain price of……. No just kidding)
--“I had a Jewish friend once, I made fun of him a lot.”
(Ok Jews are funny, I'll give you that one)
--“Wow Stephanie, you think a lot”
(That’s why we shouldn’t let women vote or read books. Encourages
us to think a lot. Real bad stuff)
--“Don’t you want me to pleasure you during the Daily Show?”
(No really, he really really really said this. …seriously. In case
you are wondering, I said no. I don’t like douches getting in the
way of my real yet fake news programs.)
--“Was it too small?
(Don’t ask questions that you don’t want the answer to)
--“I hope we end up like your friends (who are getting married)”
(Seriously, this was after the first date. Are you trying to give
me a fucking heart attack, throwing the M word around?)

The last nail in Too $hort’s coffin (figuratively) was that he text stalked me. I started to fear my phone! This is what I suspect dating a girl is like. I’m not in the business of dating needy chicks. The first weekend was a little worrisome. I had plans with friends and was busy most of the weekend. I didn’t hear from Too $hort. Not a big deal. We had only been on one date and I was busy. On Monday, he informs me that the pleasantly call-free weekend was in fact a test to determine if I would call him although he didn’t call me. This showing of incredible maturity made me forget how old I was for a second and tell him that we could discuss it in homeroom or just throw down after class behind the bleachers.

I don’t know many men or women who respond well to this type of inanity. He didn’t get the point though. The following weekend, I had plans with friends on Saturday night and an absurd amount of work on Sunday, both facts that he was aware of. Yet he continues to text me while I am out with friends. Guys, do you want your chick whining in your ear every 2 seconds while you are trying to grab some beers with the guys? No. And we don’t appreciate it either! You want to text me and tell me you can’t stop thinking about my incredible beauty? Fine. Even awesome. You want to text me to see where I am, who I’m with, and when I think I’ll be home? Probably not. Actually, absolutely not. Never OK.

So Monday comes, and this is how it ends.

Him: “I sent you texts. Didn’t you get them?”
Me: “Yeah I got them. I was out with friends….”
Him: “Whatever Stephanie. I don’t have to be your keeper.”
Me: “Umm ok? Er…thanks?”
Him: “Sorry if that was harsh…not like you care anyway.”
Me: “Right….. I don’t think I want to see you anymore”
Him: “Whatever, we can still have sex though right?”
Me: “Oh you must’ve misunderstood me when I said I don’t want to see you
anymore. What I actually meant was, I don’t want to see you
anymore.”
Him: “How many people ARE you sleeping with anyway.”
Me: “How many people I may or may not be sleeping with does not in any
way bear on the fact that you will no longer have the privilege.”
Him: “Yeah, I didn’t really see you as a long term thing anyway.
Whatever”
Me: “riiiiight…. K bye then!”

Just to remind me of what I would be missing. I get a text from him a week or 2
later, on a Saturday, at 11:30PM that says:

“This Verizon user has now deleted you from their contacts list.”

Dear Verizon, please feel free to delete me from any and every douchbag’s contact list. I leave it to your discretion. Thanks.
Love,
Stephanie