Date #3: Dilbert

My pug attacked Dilbert’s dog before I even had a chance to say hello. Not a good sign. It’s true that Lucy is exceedingly grumpy in her old age and like her mommy dearest, does NOT like to be challenged by other females. But still, it did not bode well for Dilbert, a 35 yr old engineer and dirty south native.

Dilbert’s shortcomings had nothing to do with his dog though (even though he did name the poor dog “Dumplin”). To get straight to the point, he tried to give me a foot massage at lunch. I love a good foot massage, but I absolutely hate people touching my feet. Honestly I don’t even like anyone to even accidentally touch my feet, ESPECIALLY with their feet. It is an unfortunate contradiction but I have learned to deal. There are a select few in the world who are allowed to touch my feet, either because they pay me or just give really good foot massages. Dilbert was neither and we were in a public place! Between my retarded dogs and Dilbert, it was like being on a date with 3 toddlers with Lucy running back and forth alternating between barking for food and growling at Dumplin, Winston stealing food of the neighboring table, and Dilbert trying to take my shoes off. It was extremely traumatic.

The second time, we have drinks sans dogs (but with shoes and socks). I’m really a very easy going person, particularly while drinking, but Dilbert still manages to make it all awkward. At one point he asks “are you uncomfortable?” I say “actually yes,” assuming that he is referring to the fact that he will not stop rubbing my back at the bar. Well it turned out that in fact he was asking if I was uncomfortable because of “bacon leg,” the injury resulting from me cooking bacon in my underwear (after a few too many) and procuring a large grease burn. Awkward silence, but it was a good reason to slam a glass of wine and leave because I had an “early morning.”

A few other “areas of improvement” on Dilbert’s first date review:
--He didn’t know on which continent Bolivia was located and possibly did not know it was a country at all.
--He constantly called our local bar “The Confederate,” even though the actual name of the bar is “The Federal.” He says that’s what him and his friends call it…. It doesn’t matter how bad you want it, you all lost. Seriously, you just lost.
--Divulged on first date that his mother is a junkie. Probably not the best plan in the world. Just to make him feel comfortable, I told him that my mom supported the family with the proceeds from the meth lab that she set up in my bedroom when I was a baby.

Overall review: Suggested termination without possibility of rehire.